Scientists across the United States today reacted with alarm at the discovery of the long-assumed, but previously undetected “Stupid Virus.” The discovery came after analyzing tissue samples from members of the official Texas Republican Party, who, earlier this week, released their 2012 statewide policy platform which declared “No More Teaching of ‘Critical Thinking Skills’ in Texas Public Schools.”
“Initially, we considered this bizarre public ranting akin to a tic disorder, a Tourette’s-like neurological syndrome if you will,” said Don Lieber of the Harvard School of Public Health, “but after we read the ENTIRE 2012 TEXAS GOP OFFICIAL PLATFORM, we knew the problem was far more serious.”
The “Smoking Gun” — the final proof of the existence of the long-elusive “Stupid Gene” — was found when the Texas GOP loudly proclaimed: “We oppose the teaching of higher order thinking skills.”
Public health officials, in service to the public, have released a complete list of all the known symptoms of the “Stupid Virus,” reprinted here:
(The virus, as cited above, also affects US foreign policy, immigration, and health care.)
Cause Uncertain
The cause of the “Stupid Virus” remains unclear, although new reports point to environmental links. Researchers have detected high levels of the neurotoxin Carbon Disulfide — a by-product of ‘fracking’ — in the cerebro-spinal fluid of key members of the Texas GOP with close ties to the oil and natural gas industry. Carbon Disulfide has been recorded throughout Texas in areas with fracking operations.
Tom Mechler, the Texas GOP Platform Chairman — a key player in drafting the language which calls for “No More Teaching of Critical Thinking Skills,” is indeed a lifelong consultant for the oil and gas industries.
Mechler, speaking to reporters after addressing the annual “Keystone Pipeline is Good for Your Water” fundraising appeal, denied the existence of a “Stupid Virus,” telling reporters, “ffftttzzzzzz lol I like the Raiders.”
Authors note: The above article is a satire. I have no connection to the Harvard School of Public Health and there is no discovery of a “Stupid Virus.”
The real story, however, is close enough. Here it is: Texas GOP Declares: “No More Teaching of ‘Critical Thinking Skills’ in Texas Public Schools”
Yes, they actually “oppose the teaching of higher order thinking skills.” The Stupid Virus exists.
Image Credit: virus image via Shutterstock
Today I discovered the Planetsave website and was initially very impressed by the collection of links to very interesting and progressive articles. I also noticed a number of articles in support of the anthropomorphic global warming hypothesis. I further noticed that there weren’t any articles offering the alternative perspective to the AGW position. While it is not unusual to see one-sided presentations in the AGW debate, I was so impressed by the site that I started to wonder if perhaps there simply was a plethora of recent evidence in favor of AGW, as opposed to the usual politically-based presentation. However, to my chagrin, after reading the “stupid virus” article, I realize that this site is merely a manifestation of a political agenda with some links to objective science articles sprinkled in to give an illusion of a truly scientific oriented intellectual publication.
The inclusion of such a purely politic, and most unfortunately such a vitriolic, piece at this site is totally inappropriate. The fact many of the comments reflect either a lack of recognition of the article as being satire, or worse yet a reveling in the vitriolic nature of it, support the view of the article being inappropriate. I could have found this article humorous as a Saturday Night Live News item or a Salon article, but to intersperse this into a site suggesting it is based on scientific pursuit of truth totally invalidates the site and serves as a reminder of the absurd level of bias expressed by too many AGW enthusiasts.
We have writers that focus on different things. The writer who composed that piece made a clear statement at the end that it was satire.
As far as global warming in general. There is a clear scientific consensus on this matter. Nearly 100% of publishing climate scientists agree that humans are warming the world to a concerning degree. Every national scientific academy in the world has backed them. There’s no question about this.
There’s a false debate parroted in much of the media about this because traditional media thinks every story requires a debate. Quite frankly, that’s absurd.
I hope you’ll look into the clear evidence on this matter and figure out why nearly 100% of scientists studying this matter come to the same conclusion.
Well, I enjoyed this article quite a bit until the random and uncalled for attack on the Raiders… With that, this is now a useless article written by someone who clearly thinks sports teams are more important than correcting backwards mindsets (I won’t re-post this and risk pissing people off for the wrong reasons.) In the future, stick to the point and leave out the sports (attacking a sports team is a worthless act, it will not help anything, it will only anger people… for this reason you are just as backwards thinking as the very people you aim to target with this article.) It’s too bad, I was ready to share it all over the place as it was well written until that portion.
This is exactly why I am not a Republican or a Democrat. Both are stupid parties that exploit the stupid American public leveraging the stupid press as their stupid conduit. This is why we need more people like Ron Paul in office (though he’s labelled a R. he’s really a Libertarian). Get government out of our lives. Vote intelligently.
I was so disappointed that it was a satire. But, remember the longest-lasting modern science satire was Pluto, the would-be planet. And many things that were thought to be facetious or satirical turned out to be true.. In Texas, though I think it’s the GOP inbreeding.
You are a riot Don. Excellent piece of satire based in truth. Thanks for exposing it in such a funny and engaging way. You ought to put your twitter feed at the bottom–I’d think a lot of folks would follow you given your mad writing skills.
It’s saddly not possible to “teach” higher order thinging skills in the same way you can teach math and reading. You can’t teach people how to think. To fund such a government program would be a waste of time and money.
“thinking”
Thanks — great cartoons! 😀
Drat !! I was hoping this was real as it would explain oh so much… ha ha ha…
Red Dwarf lives on 😉
I was’t sure immediately that this is satire.
To make matters worse, after I was, I realized it sort of isn’t.
Anyway, thanks for another eminently readable, -and in my case, reaffirming– article.
Yes, the sad part is how close to reality it is… the sort of shocker hit at the bottom.
Zach:-
Yeah, so close to reality, I’m not sure we wouldn’t find some microbial/genetic predispositions there !!
This awful stuff is our reality, like it or not- with the potential to stress us out to the point of making us incapacitated or even counterproductive.
I for one see forums like this as a form of damage control, at the very least the display of like-mindedness/ support counteracts the sense of hopelessness.