Scientists across the United States today reacted with alarm at the discovery of the long-assumed, but previously undetected “Stupid Virus.” The discovery came after analyzing tissue samples from members of the official Texas Republican Party, who, earlier this week, released their 2012 statewide policy platform which declared “No More Teaching of ‘Critical Thinking Skills’ in Texas Public Schools.”
“Initially, we considered this bizarre public ranting akin to a tic disorder, a Tourette’s-like neurological syndrome if you will,” said Don Lieber of the Harvard School of Public Health, “but after we read the ENTIRE 2012 TEXAS GOP OFFICIAL PLATFORM, we knew the problem was far more serious.”
The “Smoking Gun” — the final proof of the existence of the long-elusive “Stupid Gene” — was found when the Texas GOP loudly proclaimed: “We oppose the teaching of higher order thinking skills.”
Public health officials, in service to the public, have released a complete list of all the known symptoms of the “Stupid Virus,” reprinted here:
(The virus, as cited above, also affects US foreign policy, immigration, and health care.)
The cause of the “Stupid Virus” remains unclear, although new reports point to environmental links. Researchers have detected high levels of the neurotoxin Carbon Disulfide — a by-product of ‘fracking’ — in the cerebro-spinal fluid of key members of the Texas GOP with close ties to the oil and natural gas industry. Carbon Disulfide has been recorded throughout Texas in areas with fracking operations.
Tom Mechler, the Texas GOP Platform Chairman — a key player in drafting the language which calls for “No More Teaching of Critical Thinking Skills,” is indeed a lifelong consultant for the oil and gas industries.
Mechler, speaking to reporters after addressing the annual “Keystone Pipeline is Good for Your Water” fundraising appeal, denied the existence of a “Stupid Virus,” telling reporters, “ffftttzzzzzz lol I like the Raiders.”
Authors note: The above article is a satire. I have no connection to the Harvard School of Public Health and there is no discovery of a “Stupid Virus.”
The real story, however, is close enough. Here it is: Texas GOP Declares: “No More Teaching of ‘Critical Thinking Skills’ in Texas Public Schools”
Yes, they actually “oppose the teaching of higher order thinking skills.” The Stupid Virus exists.
Image Credit: virus image via Shutterstock