Earth: I’ll Be Absolutely Fine

Blue Marble (Planet Earth)In a recent interview with UK website The Daily Mash, the Earth has revealed it isn’t worrying too much about global warming. In fact, it says that it will “…be absolutely fine.”

OK, first of all, stop writing me that email. I know that the Daily Mash is a satirical website. Secondly, stop writing me that other email, because this is still news. From the website;

‘Earth, 4,000,000,000, said last night: “I’ll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice.
“Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it’s absolutely f***ing freezing.” ‘

The Earth is quoted as saying that it was “sick and tired” of being drawn in to the environmental equation. Our Earth wants us to stop trying to ‘Save the Planet’ and try changing out slogan too ‘Save Your Sorry Arse.’

“Look, I’m just a planet doing its thing, alright? If things want to live on me, that’s their business, but I’ve got important planet stuff to do, okay? Try being in elliptical orbit for five minutes, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Let me assure you, it’s no f***ing picnic.”

I really laughed out loud when I read this, because it is in essence very true. I look back at my work over the past year and I think I can quite confidently say that much of my work has focused on the planet being habitable to humans in the future.

The simple fact is that, all the Earth has to worry about is whether the nearby Sun will decide to blow up anytime soon or not. For us though – humans on planet Earth – we have a different problem, and we should really begin to look at just what we’re screwing up. Are we screwing up the planet, or that which lives upon the planet?

“Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads.”

Image Courtesy of NASA / Goddard Space Flight Center









About the Author

I'm a Christian, a nerd, a geek, a liberal left-winger, and believe that we're pretty quickly directing planet-Earth into hell in a handbasket! I work as Associate Editor for the Important Media Network and write for CleanTechnica and Planetsave. I also write for Fantasy Book Review (.co.uk), Amazing Stories, the Stabley Times and Medium.   I love words with a passion, both creating them and reading them.
  • Tree Hugger

    Funny how people think that “Mother Earth” would sound like a cussing sailor. Funny how people think that “Mother Earth” would appreciate people speaking to her like a cussing sailor. May we all have a moment of silence and awe for the realization that as much as we think we know about the Planet and the Solar System, we really don’t know anything…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

    That was nice. Let’s continue to do what we can in order to clean up our own acts individually and encourage others to do the same. Eventually, we will be alright. No one wants to live in an unclean space. Laziness and carelessness has been the order of the day for far too long. If we would clean up after ourselves, and help eachother out.. the whole place would be better suited to fit us all. It’s not rocket science or debatable.

    Do onto the Earth as you would have Her do onto you.

    Peace and Love,
    Tree Hugger

  • elie

    i agree with Jim:
    if the people who don’t give a shit about our planet (actually, allow me to reprhase, as all they do is shitting on the planet!)- if all those people would not breed another generation of “shitting” people, then we would be fine.
    the problem is that they also into the buisiness of reproducting themselves….

    and, oh, the irony. cause if they would really love their own kids, they would deeply care about the enviroment. “ignorance is a bliss” in no longer a valid quote.

  • father earth don’t give a shit about humanity… he’s tired and cold and hopes humans go to hell and stop treating the planet like a CANDY store…

    so think of the future and think of the past…

    the leaders of the future are still 2 generations away.

    light & love peace on earth

    oh! there is a leader of the EARTH LIBERATION FRONT but he’s an EXTRATERRESTRIAL and is too scared to MAKE THE NEXT MOVE !

  • Jim47

    I have to admit, I’d never heard of The Daily Mash (Geez, there are too many websites to know about all of them! Bet I know of one or two good ones that no one else in here knows of, and everyone else here can probably say the same thing), but I’m going to have to add that to my Bookmarks.

    And it really is true; gold old Planet Earth will keep on spinning, and even Mother Nature will survive; she has *tons* of options, many of which she hasn’t begun to try out, so there’s no real worry about life. There’ll always be *something* living here. The point is whether homo non-sapiens wants to be part of the mix, and maybe even grow up a little in the process. Maybe it’s time for something else to replace us the way mammals and birds took over for the dinosaurs at the end of the Cretaceous. There are times when I honestly don’t care a flying burrito whether Humanity makes it through the next 100 years or not. I know that *I* won’t, but I certainly want our girls and their kids to make it through, which means that I *do* have to care. It amazes me that so many people with kids and grandkids *don’t* seem to care. Wish they’d put themselves out of our misery, though.

    Bottom Line: we learn to think past dinner and act for something farther away than summer vacation or Christmas, or else the whole lot of us goes shuffling off to the Great Beyond a lot sooner than we want. But Planet Earth won’t shed a tear for us when we go.

  • Dear Earth,

    Honestly, where do you get off complaining about anything? The other 8 planets surely got the short end of the solar system stick. Any water or living thing on Venus boiled away long ago, and Jupiter’s gravity causes it to be ruthlessly pelted by asteroids. Mars is pretty pissed about those robots, not to mention it’s role in a horrible Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. How about you try balancing the gravitational pull of 34 moons while keeping a flat ring of innumerable particles in orbit like Saturn? Those people that live on you seem to think they have authority over Pluto’s status as a planet, and while enormously insulted,he’ll have the last laugh when the sun becomes a red giant and swallows your sorry ass. Pfft.

    Sincerely,
    The Solar System