Green and Obscene! Your Guide to Environmentally-Friendly Lovemaking
Finally, something both parties can agree on. We need to integrate green living into every aspect of our lives: a single stinky compost heap isn’t enough (it may also be a mood-killer). They may say that “politics makes for strange bedfellows,” but this three-part miniseries will teach you how to get over your differences and save the environment one orgasm at a time.
PART ONE: FOREPLAY
Set the mood right. Instead of going on a long drive down a backcountry road, opt for a walk on the beach or in a secluded garden. You will (hopefully) admit negligible amounts of carbon gas. Don’t live near a scenic getaway? Find interesting things to walk to in your neighborhood: your partner will get to know more about you when he or she see s how you interact with your environment. Although cliché, a tandem bike is also a good option because it’s environmentally safe and promotes close physical proximity.
When you arrive home, dim all the lights about 80%. An even better option: turn your lights off and light a few dye-free, soy-based candles. Turn on your favorite mood music. Some bands, like alternative rockers Incubus, devote themselves to lowering emissions at their concerts and encourage their fan bases to live green. Just knowing that you are listening to progressive melodies might even get you in the mood. If you know how to play a string instrument (well), bust it out. It requires no electricity and will impress your partner.
Get a little closer. Choose a soy-based massage oil or lotion and give your partner a sensual massage. Another tantalizing touch: soft organic under things. Many retailers, like American Apparel, offer soft and sustainable clothing and undergarments. Go for a classic look: a soft sustainable t-shirt with matching sustainable undergarments will always be in style. Ladies: pair an American Apparel (AA) Organic Baby Rib Basic Short Sleeve T with an AA Organic Baby Rib Thong. Gentlemen: pair an AA Organic Fine Jersey T Shirt with a pair of AA Men’s Organic Baby Rib Men’s Briefs. These also make sexy and thoughtful gifts that everyone will love (boyfriends, I hope you are listening).
The mood should be set by now. Tune in tomorrow for Part Two: The Fully Monty.
And remember kids: “Brunettes, not fighter jets.”
