High-Fructose Corn Syrup is Good for You, Aphrodisiac

High-fructose corn syrup: is it hemlock, or the nectar of the gods? The Corn Refiner’s Association (CRA) believes the latter—that the dreaded syrup is really Aphrodite’s bathwater.

 Sure, they claim that high fructose corn syrup has the same amount of calories as sugar and has no artificial ingredients. You have probably seen the commercials combating the urban myth; Eve offers Adam a cherry-colored popsicle and he initially denies it out of unbridled piety to the American Heart Association and its pyramid of truth. She reassures him that it’s ok—American, even—and he takes it from her with an impish grin.

 But the CRA hasn’t told you everything. Not only is high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) good for you, it also boosts romance. Dr. Ben Dofa of the National Institutes of Health reports:

 “HFCS binds to the endorphin receptors in your brain, making you undeniably randy. That’s why everyone drinks soda at parties. The lone wolf hanging out by the punch bowl isn’t a loser—he knows what he is doing.”

 HFCS also doubles as sensual massage oil.  If you want to get in the mood, just head to your pantry and break out this disaccharide treat and flip on some Barry White. You will soon be reliving the summer of ’69, rolling through the Kansas cornfields without a care.

 So next time, show up at your date’s door with a bottle of Karo and a bouquet of free-labor roses. She will be thankful you did. 

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