Former Imperial Fleet Supreme Commander Darth Vader, in his first public appearance in years, today announced his support for Mitt Romney for President.
Vader’s endorsement, the subject of much backroom gossip in recent weeks, was secured after the selection of Paul Ryan as the Vice Presidential candidate, according to a Dark Star spokesman.
“The Imperial Lord had been wary of injecting himself into the U.S. political process,” said Laurita Thom, a former Lieutennent in the Imperial Fleet and long-time Vader confidante, “but in Mr. Romney, the Sith Lord has now seen an earnest commitment to killing the planet in the service of dark industrial forces. It’s a natural alliance.”
The selection of Ryan, a climate change denier and staunch fossil fuel advocate, “made Vader happy,” said Thom. “Any doubt we may have had about Mr. Romney’s commitment to the war on the environment was put to rest by picking Ryan.”
Vadar cited Mitt Romney’s recently released energy plan as a particularly effective “war tool.”
“The Romney plan doubles the use of fossil fuels and encourages more use of coal without mentioning ‘global warming’ or ‘climate change’ even once,” he said, referring to the 21-page policy manifesto released last week by Romney.
“I could hardly have come up with a more destructive planetary plan myself,” said a visibly moved Vader to the adoring GOP crowd.
Specifically, the Romney/Paul energy plan would:
- Eliminate limits on industrial mercury emissions.
- Prevent the Clean Air Act from limiting carbon emissions.
- Eliminate Fuel Efficiency Standards in automobiles (which save consumer billions).
- Open up massive new areas to offshore oil drilling, including the coasts of Virgina, North Carolina, the Atlantic & Pacific coasts, the Gulf of Mexico, and Alaskan waters.
- Provide new funding for oil and gas infrastructure.
- Approve the “Tar Sands” Keystone XL Pipeline — the world’s dirtiest form of oil.
- Maintain (and increase) the $2.4 billion in annual tax breaks (subsidies) for the five biggest oil companies (BP, Chevron, ConocoPhillips, ExxonMobil and Shell — whose profits last year alone reached a record $137 billion).
- Increase new nuclear power plants.
- Allow federal tax credits for wind power to expire, costing the US tens of thousands of jobs.
Here is the complete Mitt Romney energy plan (PDF), as released in August 2012.
“This plan,” said Vader, “leaves me no doubt of Mitt Romney’s ironclad willingness to be utterly apothetic to the fate of Planet Earth and all its inhabitants. I couldn’t ask for a better political ally.”
“THIS is what energy independence looks like — independent of the environment!” shouted the revered Sith Lord.
Romney has assembled a formidable and experienced environmental war team. His top energy advisors are four of the most powerful fossil fuel executives on the planet, each with substantial personal interests in the oil, coal, or gas industries advocated in his plan. Romney’s top energy advisor is Harold Hamm, a veteran billionaire oil man whose company, Continental Resources, controls the majority of drilling acreage in North Dakota; Jack Gerard, the President of the American Petroleum Institute; Jim Talent, the leading coal lobbyst who is behind the effort to exclude carbon emissions from the Clean Air Act; and Tar Sands lobbyist David Wilkins, who represents the interests of Canadian oil corporations (i.e., the Keystone XL Pipeline) on the Romney team.
“And wouldn’t we want a Vice President,” added the revered Sith Lord, “whose whole family is knee-deep in the fossil fuel industry?” He was barely able to contain his glee at this question. “…and guess what? Paul Ryan’s own budget proposal provides millions of dollars in tax-breaks to the very companies his family invests in.”
“Ya, can’t make this shit up,” said a near-hysterical Vader, breaking from the prepared script. “Google it for yourselves, Americans.”
Vader’s endorsement is already fueling speculation that he is now the leading choice as “Energy Czar” in a future Romney Presidential cabinet, due to their shared admiration of ‘fracking’, fossil fuels, and killing the planet. Fracking, which extracts natural gas by setting off huge explosions thousands of feet underground, cracking open the crust of the Earth and releasing climate-killing methane gas, along with hundreds of other highly toxic and carcinogenic chemicals, into the surrounding air and water. It is a favored technology of Vadar’s — his army employed similar technologies in the infamous “order 66″ massacre during the Great Jedi Purge conflicts, and in subsequent sub-Earth bombardments at Geonosis and Yavin.
Don Lieber's writing and research has been published by the United Nations, The Associated Press, The International Campaign to Ban Landmines, The Coalition to Stop the Use of Child Soldiers, E-The Environmental Magazine and others. He contributes regularly to PlanetSave.com.